Review by Muffy St. Bernard. Also featuring an extended, picture-rich walk-through of one of the least funny comic routines I've ever seen.   WARNING: Spoilers, backtalk, and a snarky moment or two.

    What does it take to turn a cute-as-a-bug couple into kidnappers? Well, that's a good question. If you watch "Mujhe Meri Biwi Se Bachaao," you'll see that all you need to do is steal a lot of hard-earned money from them, and then treat them like rogues when they come to collect. Next thing you know, those sweet little people will be wearing plastic Disney masks and kidnapping your wife.

    But now, let's imagine that you're a REALLY NASTY GUY. You're a reprehensible, cowardly, cocky, greedy womanizer, who also happens to bear a striking resemblance to a cartoon cockroach. Would you care if your overweight, needy wife was kidnapped...especially if her entire estate would fall into your hands if she was killed? No-siree, I bet the first thing you'd do is live it up with your slinky mistress, drink some champagne, kill Muffy (your wife's hateful dog), harass the kidnappers in the hopes they'll...

    Wait a second. Kill your wife's dog? There's no hateful dog in "Mujhe Meri Biwi Se Bachaao," at least, none of the true canine variety. Am I confused?

    You bet I am, but I was prepared for a bit of confusion when I asked Eros Entertainment if I could kindly have the pleasure of buying this film, the Bollywood remake of the hilariously nasty Abrahams/Zucker movie "Ruthless People." I was anxious to see how the Indian film machine would deal with a movie that is so TOTALLY reprehensible and hedonistic, since I find that Bollywood -- while on the surface pretty nasty and edgy -- has a warm, fuzzy, snuggle-up-to-it-and-hug-it-tight sort of heart.

    I don't want to concentrate too much on what is similar and dissimilar in this adaptation, since remakes are always compared unfavourably to the movies they were inspired by. And I'll admit, right off the bat, that I LOVE "Ruthless People," and not just because they named the dog in it after me. "Ruthless People" comes off like clockwork, without a single hitch...it's a clean, evil, well-oiled machine...which is, frankly, more than can be said for the somewhat bloated, tired, and disconnected MMBSB.

    Much of the kidnapping plot is preserved (should I say "purloined?") from the original. The moments of slapstick are, shot-for-shot, identical (though much longer...at least it seemed that way). How about I make a quick list of how the central plot differs...at the very least it might reveal a bit about Hollywood conventions vs. Bollywood conventions:

    * Kamini (the wife, played by Rekha) is much, much fatter than Bette Midler's Barbara, and is at the same time a more sympathetic character...she's a little hostile, yes, and a little annoying, for sure, but she shows some genuinely caring traits right off the bat, even when she's knocking stuff off of pedestals with her overstuffed bum (always accompanied by a funny sound effect, incidentally).  The humour in the first half of the film is based -- predictably -- on how much she eats, how clumsy she is, and how awkward her clothes look.  She wears a particularly terrifying pair of Beetlejuice-inspired pants that Tim Burton would be proud of.

    * The seductress Anuradha -- played here by Suman Rangnathan -- is not NEARLY as fiery and clever as the incomparible Anita Morris...but that's not surprising, since I just said she was "incomparible." She's still pretty darn sexy, though (I mean Suman is...Anita Morris is dead).  Anu is not a particularly bright girl.  It's interesting that in "Ruthless People," the woman was the smart one who called the shots, and the guy was the stupid one who named his fish after characters from Miami Vice.  In this case, the roles are reversed.

    * Nobody sang or danced in the original version, though it did have a soundtrack featuring some of the blandest acts of the 80's (and Mick Jagger). This time around, most of the dance numbers are themselves pretty dull and the choreography -- ummm, was there any? Rekha rescues the fabulous "Nach Meri Jaan" merely by being there, but I can't help thinking that I've never seen an actress less suited to the voice of the playback singer.  And, in hindsight, the song had absolutely nothing to do with anything in the film.

    * The cockroachy husband (Naseeruddin Shah) tries to kill Kamini several times previous to the kidnapping, in scenes with great comic potential but poor execution (and owe more than a little to the type of physical comedy that weeping and repentant audiences were subjected to during "Home Alone.")

    * Ummm, there are four Punjabi brothers involved, though they're not actually...or rather, there's only one Punjabi brother...though he's not really...oh, forget it.

   * Nobody in "Ruthless People" was in blackface, unsurprisingly.

    * The scene where the kidnappers face off against the husband -- and are surprised by the unexpected arrival of the rival bad guys -- is bungled horribly and turns into a series of short confrontations which go something like this:

    ROCKY (to the husband): Gimme the briefcase!

    HUSBAND: Nope! Whoaaaaaaa... {Rocky runs off with briefcase}

    ANU (to Rocky): Gimme the briefcase!

    ROCKY: Nope! Whoaaaaaa... {Anu runs off with the briefcase}

    VIJAY (to Anu): Good job Anu, now we have the briefcase.

    ROCKY: Gimme the briefcase!

    VIJAY: Nope!

    VIJAY & ANU: Whoaaaaaa... (etc.)

    This is unfortunate, because what was originally a logical and inevitable plot climax (in "Ruthless People") became a scene where the director yelled "Okaaaaay...ACTION! NOW RUN AROUND! BUMP INTO HER! LOOK SCARED! JUMP! RUN SOME MORE! SAY 'EEEK!' GRAB HER! RUN AWAY! LOOK HAPPY! NOW LOOK SCARED! RUN, EVERYBODY! Okay, cut...let's just forget about it and get some ice cream, it's boiling in here."

   For those who would like to learn the ins and outs of this totally uninspired comic routine, I've provided a quick collection of screen shots that just about sums it up.

    After having so many negative things about the film, I'm sort of surprised...didn't I enjoy it? Well, I REMEMBER enjoying it, but it was a bit like watching a very old relative tell a funny story.  You know what that's like...they lose their train of thought, they mumble, they drool a bit, they get sidetracked, they fall on the floor and look like they're dead...then suddenly get up and start the story all over again. The IDEA is funny, and sometimes -- in more coherent moments -- the hilarity comes across. But at other times you want to say to your sister, "Okay, let's put grandpa to bed now."

    The truly sad thing about MMBSB is that it looks like it WANTS to go to bed, but isn't being allowed to. So it just keeps going on.

    In the midst of this, there are some great moments. The ending is inspired (sort of), and it poses a question that the Hollywood version never bothered asking: given the chance, would the wife do the same thing to her husband that he had done to her? Well, Bette Midler wouldn't have thought twice (or even once) about letting Danny DeVito fry, but Rekha...the point comes in the film where she needs to decide. "Did I do the right thing?" she asks.

    "No," says Rocky's wife.

    "But it's what he did to me."

    "Yes...but you're a woman."

    That's a bit of a shock to Western ears, I must admit. But it does fit the context of the film, given Kamini's sympathetic soul and the fact that, shortly thereafter, she breaks several taboos anyway by punching her husband off the side of a cliff. This leads to a fun little subplot where Rekha manages to get a BIT of revenge, but doesn't do it in a cruel, insensitive way. At the end she even gives a little speech -- sort of a Jerry Springer "Final Thought" -- where she tells the audience that men need to stop pushing women around, but woman shouldn't sink to cruelty and depravity in order to get revenge, and she even asks, "would you do it differently if you were me?" Hate to break this to you Rekha...but I probably would.

    And this is what I mean about the warm, fuzzy Bollywood heart.

    There are several other little "gem" moments that got me laughing. Rocky's wife (in the Sandy Kessler role) is very funny...when she's allowed to do something other than stand behind Rocky all the time. I don't know what her real name is -- let alone the name of the character she plays in the film -- but whenever she's on the screen, the long-suffering animal that is MMBSB stirs to life for a few minutes...I hope she gets a better comic role in the future.

   The extended death of Rekha's father is a laugh as well. And Rekha shows campy potential with her growling, screaming, and all-around hamming. It's also worth noting that Rekha is stunningly beautiful, especially after she takes the wads of cotton out of her cheeks and stops looking like Marlon Brando.

    Mujhe Meri Biwi Se Bachaao is a film to see with low expectations...and if you do, you'll probably have a good time. I can't help wondering, though, that with the above-average material they had to work with -- the original story is great, the actors this time around are good, the money was there, the chance for a "western-liberation meets eastern-husband" plot was ripe -- why did they do such a bad job?

    I am, at least, glad that I watched it. Once.

 

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